Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
