Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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