well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
