So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
