I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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