I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
