I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
