im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
