I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
