i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
