I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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