if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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