Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize