Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm getting married
To pizza
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize