i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
