first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
