I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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