She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
