about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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