have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
