Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
