if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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