genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think I just sharted jello shots
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