I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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