the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
