member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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