you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
