just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
