I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
