i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
