Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
