He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize