this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
