I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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