totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
