R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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