Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize