I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
