I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize