Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
