For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
