My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
