I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize