Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
