Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
