I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
