You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
