Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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