You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
