You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
