(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize