so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
