Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
