I should be sponsored by Trojan
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My feet surprised me
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