just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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