what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
