So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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