You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
