sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
