you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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