I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
