I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
