I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
