Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
