We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
