if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
