so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
3 2 1 whiskey
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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