she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Boobs speak an international language.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
