my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
