I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
