I am in a vortex of obligation.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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