she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
