How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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