i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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