The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
