In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
